I'M NOT READY

I'm having a rough day. I've been trying to prepare myself for this one year anniversary of my mom's passing but I'm afraid I don't know how to prepare myself.


As the day creeps closer and closer I am a wreck. This morning all I could think about is how normal everything was this day last year. I had no clue what I would have to face the very next day.


I've been playing out exactly how the events of last year, that Friday, went. The whole weekend really. I have lost grandparents and that was hard. But I had no idea how broken I would feel losing my own parent. I thought I would have 20 years or more before I had to even think about that.


I knew my mom was sick for some time but I never prepared myself for losing her this soon or in such a sudden way.


I feel like no one understands the way I'm grieving because besides my siblings, because no one I know has lost someone that has had the type of relationship we had to our mom. She loved her family with every fiber in her body and we all felt it. She was our rock and all I ever wanted to do was be just like her.


It's so hard not being able to hear her voice. Her house will never smell the same and no food will ever taste so good. I miss making fun of her and talking about what good shopping deals we found. She always had some new piece of jewelry to show us! I miss her long nails that would run through my hair or scratching my back. I miss the notes she used to leave us that would end with OK.


Ugh.... I miss it all.


I'm torn because not only is this a hard time for me emotionally but it's also a joyous occasion because my Ava's birthday is during the same time. I go in between feeling depressed and guilty. How can you be broken and happy at the same time? Well, I'm case in point.


I've decided to take this one year anniversary off work for personal reflection. I want to let my mom know I'm missing her. I want to be able to cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm going to let myself break down. And after I've dried my tears and snotty nose, I'll pick myself back up. Like I've been trying to do for each day since I lost her.


Out of my grief and this whole experience I've learned things. I've learned to not take my loved ones for granted. I've learned that time is running out everyday to live life to the fullest. I've learn to let go of the bull shit. I've learned I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. And I've learned I have some really awesome friends and family that have supported me through this difficult year.


So I will apologize in advance for all the sappy posts and pictures you'll be seeing in the next several days. It's part of my therapy.


Thanks for putting up with me and this post.